IAC DISCUSSION FORUMS

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.


"Have you been having unprotected s*x?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.


"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"


"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag.

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor





"Your mother must have been a carrier"

Whadya call an Irishman just leaving the Barbers?

SHAUN.

Hey: Why didn't the skeleton go to the New Year's Eve Party?

He had no body to go with!

Where should a dressmaker build her house?



On the outskirts!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer.

What do you call a dog with no ears?
Who cares. He won't come when you call anyway.

One of our family recently wrote about the wonder of touch screen computers...

"a fly just bought us an album on iTunes!" and the next day added "here's the next weird thing... tonight the fly stopped the track that was playing and started a new one, and the new one was from the album it had bought the night before."

So what would such a fly buy in the way of songs, films or books?

Rod Willerton has already suggested: 'Fly Me To The Moon' or 'One Day I'll Fly Away' ...

Rather than hitting reply and creating a new post for each idea, please click the PM button and send your suggestions. Every now and then I will update this posting with your wit and wisdom!
- Dave

A cartoon seen in a French Magazine.
Its speech bubble in English and it captioned below in French.

The scene:
A man is putting his shirt back on after a medical examination.
The doctor is shaking his head and tells him:

'Bad news! – You are as sound as a Euro!'

The joke is lost in translation and trying to explain it is......
Well, I thought is was funny.

Ha Ha. Hey nice one

It's loud and clear man. No translation probs.

Here's another one Billy.

There is a French snack called 'croque-monsiuer'. It is like Welsh Rarebit and in English it is more usually known as cheese on toast.

There was a report on a English news service this morning, telling that in Bolougne, gendarmes had cleared the beach of bathers yesterday, because a crocodile had been seen lurking in the sea. (Quick check of the date).

The report then continued...'What do you call a crocodile that has eaten a Frenchman ? - A croc- monsieur'!

Cue: Smile.

Translated from a post
'Conversation avec Dieu'. Conversation with God

Man: Are you there God?
God: Yes my son.
Man: Can I ask you a question?
God: Certainly!
Man: How long is a million years for you?
God: One second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: Just one centime.
Man: Will you give me just one centime?
God: Yes, but you will have to wait a second!

==== ????

Corn on the Cob - 4 Christmas

Why did'nt the skeleton go to the New Years Eve Party?

** He had no body to go with**


How do snails keep their shells shiny?

**The use Snail Varnish**


How did the Human cannonball lose his job?

** He got Fired**


What did the Beaver say to the tree?

**It's nice gnawing you**


Where should a Dressmaker build her house?

** On the outskirts**


Oh well, back to the padded cell!

Lee.

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,
then 140 then 160mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman

Yes Billy! Five Stars!

Courtesy of the late Tommy Cooper


1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have
seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key..'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink
says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the
meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I
can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ''Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you
can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-
eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
family,so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother
Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says
'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was
eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues
into the night.

Ha!......Lee.

Ohhh Dear...... Mostly for over 16s!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Sorry Dave

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says,"Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen". Dave replies,"Well we were married for nearly 20 years".

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up"!

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger. Just opened it and some sod's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said, "your obviously not listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you". She said "is that you or the beer talking"? I replied "it's me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the Casualty Dept. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

.... Lee.