Apologies in advance ... Lee.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a poo".
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight'. Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
