The Comedy Thread

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Stephen
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The Comedy Thread

Post by Stephen »

Just to get it started!

So there I was, in a deep slumber when suddenly I was awoken by sinister noises, through my half open eyes I could make out that all to familiar figure, hooded cloak, scythe.
I was only visited by the grim reaper himself.
So I leapt out of bed grabbed the nearest thing to hand which happened to be the hoover and proceeded to strangle him with the hose and beat the bajesus out of him with the attachments.


Talk about Dyson with death.
Stephen

Film making is not a matter of Life and Death
It's much more important than that.
Mike Shaw

Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by Mike Shaw »

A very wide grinned, teeth-showing groan! :D

Keep 'em coming. This is just my level!
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billyfromConsett
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by billyfromConsett »

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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FILM THURSO
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by FILM THURSO »

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


It was the same person who moments before said to his collegue, who was lying on the floor with a black eye and broken jaw, "NO, not that one!"

If butter is made from the milk of a cow, how come it's creamy and salty at the same time?

Never pick your nose after scratching your bum! :shock:
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billyfromConsett
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by billyfromConsett »

Two blokes take off from Zurich in a hot air balloon in a heavy fog. After an hour of travelling with no visibility one says to the other 'I wonder where we are?'. The second sticks his hand over the side of the basket and says 'We are going over Paris - I just felt the top of the Eiffel Tower'.

After another hour and still no visibility the first bloke again asks 'Where are we now, then?' The second one again dips his hand down and answers 'Blackpool - I've just felt the top of Blackpool Tower'.

Yet another hour and still no visibility, the first bloke again repeats the question. The other one dips his hand over once more then answers 'Must be Newcastle - some b*gger's just nicked my watch'.
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FILM THURSO
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by FILM THURSO »

Picture the scene, it is a small village pub. Two men are chatting away at the end of the bar nearest the open fire. To the right of the fire is a man seated at a table face down the worse for many many many nips, in fact it's all he been drinking the whole day until he crashed out.

The men at the bar continue chatting for some time until their conversation finally comes to an end. Then in one of those inexplicable moments of silence, the crashed out man at the table next to the fire lifts his head, pauses a moment then turns to throw up in the fire. When the blinding flash of flame died down no-one new quite what to say after that. The man at the table put his head down once more.




This really happended :shock:
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billyfromConsett
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by billyfromConsett »

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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Stephen
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by Stephen »

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out i nto the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.





I'll get me coat...
Stephen

Film making is not a matter of Life and Death
It's much more important than that.
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FILM THURSO
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by FILM THURSO »

A man goes to see his doctor to get a golf club removed from around his neck. The doctor duely assists in the removal of the club but feels the need to enquire, " I can't understand how you could manage to get a golf club wrapped round your neck!".
The man replies, "Well doctor it's like this. I took the wife with me to try out the game, she's never played before. So there I was on the green and I teed off fair enough. The wife then took her turn and teed off, not bad for a first time, she hit the ball straight away but it went over somewhere into a field of cows. Obviously we had to go and look for her ball. We were there for about 15 minutes with no sign, but then I noticed one cow as it was walking away with it's tail swinging. I caught up with the cow and lifted it's tail. Sure enough, there was the ball lodged in there and I turned to the wife and said, "This looks like yours!".

:shock:
Roy

Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by Roy »

Two men, The pilot and passenger, flying over Italy.
Pilot says "Have you heard of that saying, see naples and die"
Passenger answers. "yes, I have"
Pilot again. "well, have a good look, the propeller has dropped off"
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Stephen
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by Stephen »

Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3,600 hamster skins last week, cost me an absolute fortune then i decided to take her to Blackpool for a dirty weekend..... couldn't get her off the big wheel for 2 days!
Stephen

Film making is not a matter of Life and Death
It's much more important than that.
User avatar
Stephen
Posts: 223
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 3:36 pm
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by Stephen »

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"






"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."


:shock:
Stephen

Film making is not a matter of Life and Death
It's much more important than that.
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billyfromConsett
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Location: Consett

Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by billyfromConsett »

A guy buys a chinese chicken suey from the chinese takeaway, takes it home and eats it. It's awful - he can hardly chew it.

A couple of nights later he went back to the takeaway and tells the owner that the chicken was very rubbery.

The owner replied "oh thank you sir - you want another one tonight?"
Mike Shaw

Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by Mike Shaw »

I took my Dad to a (posh) Chinese restaurant when he was 87 years old - it the first time ever in his life he'd been into a Chinese restaurant (he didn't eat 'foreign food'), and told him that joke (a variation of), with the best Chinese accents I could muster. He nearly choked laughing and had all the waiters panicking around thinking it was their food that had caused the choking fit. We got a free bottle of wine by way of compensation ... just love that joke!

His comment on Chinese food was 'Yeah, It's OK, but they don't eat that stuff all the time do they? Surely they have Steak & Kidney pudding or egg and bacon or sausage and mash most of the time?"
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billyfromConsett
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Post by billyfromConsett »

I went to my GP the other day and told him that I'm worried about my Mrs - as she's convinced she's a chicken.

He suggested that I should turn her in immediately.

But I simply can't do that - I need the eggs ...



Woody Allen
Annie Hall.
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