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The One-Liners - can you suggest more?

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:04 am
by Dave Watterson
Those of you [surely all of you] who regularly read the main website will have noticed that the jokes are back. Many pages end with a little bit of humour which changes at random if you refresh the page or re-visit it later.

It takes a surprisingly long time to assemble a decent collection of such one-line jokes or thoughts so I am begging your help. Please put some suggestion in this thread.

a) Keep them short.
b) Keep them clean.
c) Aim for ones which will not offend.
d) Try not to make them too hard for people overseas reading the websites and for whom English is not the first language.

Some of the gags on there at present are:
  • Preserve nature. Pickle a squirrel today.

    I have a stepladder. It is a very nice stepladder but it is sad that I never knew my real ladder.

    I am busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:30 am
by Mike Shaw
Are there pills to cure hypochondria ?

One in 10 desn't understand binary. Thankfully, the other one does.

Knowledge you learn. Wisdom you earn.

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:36 am
by Chrisbitz
I'm as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Re: The One-Liners - can you suggest more?

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:07 am
by Willy
d) Try not to make them too hard for people overseas reading the websites and for whom English is not the first language.


Maybe you thought of me, Dave. Yes, I'm a John Foreigner.
I'm very frail.

"Frailty thy name is Belgian !". I think that William Shakespeare has written this phrase, just like "There is something rotten in the State of Denmark". Already William offended continental people. The British are hard sometimes ... but not always !

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:15 am
by Peter Stedman
Do you think the word 'Exit' is on the way out?

I didn't know what happiness was till I got married . . . . It was too late then!

PS. I earn my living with 'one liners' like this so please don't encourage me.

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:45 pm
by Stephen
great idea .. here's a few to get ye going..

some a bit more than a 1 liner... but funny!!!

If you cut off a pig's snout, will it become disgruntled?

Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

St. Lukes Hospital for Paranoid Schizophrenics' Christmas panto ended in chaos last night when someone in the audience shouted "He's behind you!"

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "This is for the custard, idiot!”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first. "He went "Baah" and I went "Moo." He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought; that's Abbariginal.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:01 am
by Peter Stedman
You have been watching too many Tommy Cooper shows!!!!

Actually I might be able to use some of those in our next 'comedy?' production. But clearly it wont be any better than our last effort.

Finally . . . the strong winds which swept southern England last night caused extensive damage to the Royal Mint. They also made quite a mess of the Royal Rhubarb!


Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:05 pm
by Dave Watterson
Ye gods! What have I done? Opened the floodgates ....


Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 5:04 pm
by Ray Williamson
I told my family and friends I wanted to be a comedian.

........They all laughed.

So I did become a comedian.

........They are not laughing now.

One liners.

Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:58 am
by Michael Gough
I probably got most of these from Dave's Monthly Madness.

If you are going through hell .... keep going - Winston Churchill

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When they first invented the clock how did they know what time to set it to?

Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works!

Do two people who don’t know what they are talking about, know more or less than one person who doesn’t know what he is talking about.

Should you stare at a carton of orange juice just because it says concentrate?

If you asked for the “Self Help” section in a bookshop, would they leave you to find it by yourself?

Is there another word for synonym?

Does an engine driver need training?

Does a bus driver need coaching?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is a shelless tortoise homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mime artist is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Do cannibals think clowns taste funny?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for execution by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when the baddie throws a gun at him?

If you sent someone a consignment of polystyrene, what would you pack it in?

If the temperature is zero outside today and its going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing?

What level of importance must a person have before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Do fish ever get thirsty?

Why don't birds fall out of trees when they sleep?

Orange. Which came first the fruit or the colour?

If man is descended from apes, why are there still apes?

What is so good about bees knees?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If it is true that a problem shared is a problem halved – how do we know if we are worrying about our own problem or half of somebody elses?

No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 1,000 times the disk space.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

umop apisdn

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Why do our noses run and our feet smell?

If the Number 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still Number 2?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:21 am
by Chrisbitz
Trust in God, but lock your car.

Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:43 pm
by Peter Stedman
Well - Thank God I'm an athiest

Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:50 pm
by bunny
Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of alcohol.



Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:08 pm
by Willy
bunny wrote:Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of alcohol.


British brews are best in British breweries. Hic ! :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :oops: :oops: :oops: